being a woman I am now

by livergirl

Having spent my study for 6 years in all-girls-school, I notice that in a lot of times, I think differently. About work, life, love, men, education, and many more.

When I was younger I swear I had been in a point where I felt like I don’t need men in my life except for having children. The idea of marriage seems absurd to me. Why would I want to spend a life being somebody’s complement? Why can’t I live my life and have children if I wanted to? And I don’t need a man to raise a child, do I?

I looked back when I was in a marching band. Carrying 12kg-snare-drum and then almost-20-kg-multi-toms, being in the main committee, transporting much more heavy instruments, practising till I couldn’t feel my feet and my hands were bruising…those hard times that are so exhausting that at the end, I feel like I can do anything because I’ve past those times. Then why would I need a man?

But then I walked into relationships. I haven’t been lucky enough, but after years, I finally admit that yes, I need a man and I haven’t lost a complete faith in love. Maybe I could be blessed enough to have a love that last a lifetime. Maybe I’ll walk down the aisle to wed someone, but I don’t know. I feel confused. I am very dominant over my life and I don’t think I can ever let someone in completely let alone control it. I have so many desires I don’t think I can compromise.

I saw women gave up their career because their husbands wanted them too. What the hell? Aren’t we equal? It’s not that I’m against the idea of a housewife (I do think I might be one someday), but if she wants to pursue a career, why shouldn’t she? Why can’t she do what she wants?

I haven’t even talk about polygamy practice, but thank God, so far I have not yet seen it in my circles of friends and families.

And I realize that especially in my home country, there are pressures for everyone to get married. Until now I can’t wonder why. And to my horror, sometimes I think that way too. (That is why no matter how I hate being in SG, I need to be here, away from families, to clear my head, most of the time). Again, it’s not that I don’t want to get married. But it’s just weird why we are ‘obliged’ to do it.

With all those weddings in these past two months, I can’t help but remember the traditional vows the bride & groom pledge. It is a solemn promise, made before God. Unbreakable. And every time I heard a couple said it, in the back of my head I was questioning myself: will I ever have enough courage to make that kind of promise? Because let’s be honest, I want to be a good Christian, and I don’t believe in divorce. But what if he hurt me? And my future children? Surely that promise is not more important than protecting yourself, right? If that happens, then I’ll be trapped, waiting for God’s mercy, because He can separate anything. Then what if He just doesn’t feel like it? It’ll be hell on earth, let alone allowing your children to suffer with you.

However, then again, I’m young, and what I’ve seen is very limited. Maybe I’ll find a love worth living for. Maybe I’ll find someone who is equal to me and believes that he is. Maybe I’ll find my peace.

But for now, let me enjoy being confused and debating with myself.