livergirl

Though it may take you so far away, always remember your pride

another beginning

Livergirl’s journey continues to http://serpentibusterrae.wordpress.com 🙂

light blue with sparks of Red

This should be my last post in this blog before moving into another. So these are photos of my new room. It was taken a few days ago so now it’s almost in the same condition with increasing degree of messiness. And there’s one more poster I put just yesterday (better known as the proof that I refuse to move on after more than two years)

this is just too cute I have to repost it

Pic

Harry, Ron, and Hermione (or should I say Daniel, Rupert, and Emma), thanks for the memories (:

[from Harry Potter wiki, a light reading before sleep]

Did you know

…that when Alfonso Cuarón became director for Prisoner of Azkaban, in order to acquaint himself with the three leads, he asked each of them to write an essay about their characters from a first-person perspective. True to character, Emma Watson (Hermione) wrote a 16-page essay, Daniel Radcliffe (Harry) wrote a simple one-page summary, and Rupert Grint (Ron) never turned his in.

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that is so cute!

bleeding

As much as I just want to forget and never talk about it, I think I owe people some explanations (well it’s more that I don’t want to answer when people ask me directly). I don’t know how long I need to recover but as I’m writing this, I’m still bleeding and I still cried last night in my bed.

So yes, I did not go to KL this weekend and I, of course, failed to see my beloved team coming to South East Asia. I’ve lost my passport in Tuas checkpoint, Singapore. I don’t really blame anyone but myself for this, really, as most of it is my own fault, but somehow it just makes it even sadder without the anger to come and replace it once in a while.

That night I stayed until past 3 am in the checkpoint to report and ask for special pass, then go to the police to make another report. I slept barely 2 hours after a super long day of interview and moving to the new house. But at that time, I still hold some hope and I was determined to finish this stuffs (make new passport & pass) by Friday afternoon then straight away fly to KL by some tiger airways thingy. I woke up early in the morning, pass by the house to take a shower and quickly go to Indonesian Embassy to make a new passport.

Before I proceed, maybe I should tell that in the checkpoint, I met an Indonesian female who was also having some problems and being checked by the authority. She said that she once had a problem like mine and she took only a day to get a new passport (with quite a large fine) so that’s why I was sure I could catch up and still going.

But the embassy said that because I’m holding a pass, I’m considered as a residence and hence it would take 3 working days. So yes, that is final. No chance.

I felt like I was shot by an arrow in close range. Like a short, instant pain, but then I felt nothing but a bit difficulty to breathe.

I was crushed but my mind couldn’t feel a thing. After exiting the embassy, I grabbed Stevie and search for the next Harry Potter movie slot. Took a taxi and ride to Vivo City. Only then, while watching the movie (a very emotional movie by itself), I was able to let the tears drop. Every time an emotional moment in the movie came, the sadness doubled, and successfully left me soaked.

And after that, I finally able to release all the tears while facing the sea, the very same spot I used to weep more than three years ago.

And it took me a strong cup of coffee, a cheesecake, a bottle of beer, and a long dreamless sleep to put the sadness in the back of my head.

So pardon me if I make myself vanished for the rest of the week. And for not answering (maybe for a long time to come). It’s just that I’m still bleeding and I don’t know when I will be healed. And it will take just a little nudge to release my tears again.

being a woman I am now

Having spent my study for 6 years in all-girls-school, I notice that in a lot of times, I think differently. About work, life, love, men, education, and many more.

When I was younger I swear I had been in a point where I felt like I don’t need men in my life except for having children. The idea of marriage seems absurd to me. Why would I want to spend a life being somebody’s complement? Why can’t I live my life and have children if I wanted to? And I don’t need a man to raise a child, do I?

I looked back when I was in a marching band. Carrying 12kg-snare-drum and then almost-20-kg-multi-toms, being in the main committee, transporting much more heavy instruments, practising till I couldn’t feel my feet and my hands were bruising…those hard times that are so exhausting that at the end, I feel like I can do anything because I’ve past those times. Then why would I need a man?

But then I walked into relationships. I haven’t been lucky enough, but after years, I finally admit that yes, I need a man and I haven’t lost a complete faith in love. Maybe I could be blessed enough to have a love that last a lifetime. Maybe I’ll walk down the aisle to wed someone, but I don’t know. I feel confused. I am very dominant over my life and I don’t think I can ever let someone in completely let alone control it. I have so many desires I don’t think I can compromise.

I saw women gave up their career because their husbands wanted them too. What the hell? Aren’t we equal? It’s not that I’m against the idea of a housewife (I do think I might be one someday), but if she wants to pursue a career, why shouldn’t she? Why can’t she do what she wants?

I haven’t even talk about polygamy practice, but thank God, so far I have not yet seen it in my circles of friends and families.

And I realize that especially in my home country, there are pressures for everyone to get married. Until now I can’t wonder why. And to my horror, sometimes I think that way too. (That is why no matter how I hate being in SG, I need to be here, away from families, to clear my head, most of the time). Again, it’s not that I don’t want to get married. But it’s just weird why we are ‘obliged’ to do it.

With all those weddings in these past two months, I can’t help but remember the traditional vows the bride & groom pledge. It is a solemn promise, made before God. Unbreakable. And every time I heard a couple said it, in the back of my head I was questioning myself: will I ever have enough courage to make that kind of promise? Because let’s be honest, I want to be a good Christian, and I don’t believe in divorce. But what if he hurt me? And my future children? Surely that promise is not more important than protecting yourself, right? If that happens, then I’ll be trapped, waiting for God’s mercy, because He can separate anything. Then what if He just doesn’t feel like it? It’ll be hell on earth, let alone allowing your children to suffer with you.

However, then again, I’m young, and what I’ve seen is very limited. Maybe I’ll find a love worth living for. Maybe I’ll find someone who is equal to me and believes that he is. Maybe I’ll find my peace.

But for now, let me enjoy being confused and debating with myself.

Quite devastated by the interview today. Well actually it went pretty good until that ome question which lower my presentation by I’m sure at least 30%. I tried hard to explain and strengthen my stand but I just think that I could do better. And I want to work there so much I’ll kinda have no idea where to go next if they totally reject me.

Pray for me…

funny graphs - Just Drink the Damn Thing

10 hours of 4-inch heels today…with 3 hours break in the middle. Still counts as a progress, though.

Two of my bffs are having their birthdays this week! Just so excited for them and of course, wishing them all the very best in their fresh-graduate year. Yeay more people Are getting old! *insecurities kicked in*

Hope the upcoming year will be kind enough for you two (:

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Meanwhile, life in Indo as always, is full of procrastination and food. I seriously quite considering going to gym or something before I remember that I left my driving license in Singapore…which is my third stupidest thing after forgetting my eyeliner and credit card *sigh

Oh and this blog has already reached 50k! Yeayyy